It’s not that I make a point of walking out of films. It’s just, sometimes, it’s the wisest thing to do. Stay in the cinema and continue to be assaulted with idiocy — or leave, to a world where there is coffee, and carrot cake, and people; some of whom will say more intelligent things than what you’ve witnessed happening on screen.

This evening it was Orphan that I made an early exit from. My expectations were not high, and they were not satisfied. I don’t expect cinematic genius from the horror genre, as my liking for The Descent and the films of George Romero makes clear. But some basic respect for the audience goes a long way, and this spooky kid film showed me none.

Things came to a head in a scene where the couple on the lookout for a kiddie go to the orphanage. Which at least means I got to see CCH Pounder, who I love in The Shield and is here cast as a nun who clearly sees the devil at work in the weird kid painting upstairs while her peers party. Oh, silly husband for going upstairs. Sillier still, for being entranced by the freakish child’s preternatural ability with a paintbrush, and her cutesy story about how the lioness in the picture is being reunited with her cubs. I couldn’t be bothered to untangle the metaphor, but I wouldn’t want a freak-eyed Russian-accented child who paints jungle creatures with family issues anywhere near my house.

And that’s as much as I saw. The bit with the paintings, and some dreadful on-the-nose dialogue, was enough to catapult me out of the cinema and into the early evening. Somehow, I don’t feel I’ve missed anything. The bogus shock at the start, direction that made every damn thing creepy regardless whether it was or not, and risible dialogue…thirty minutes of that was quite enough, thank you.

Last time I walked out was about three weeks ago, for different reasons. I decided to check out the G.I. Joe movie, figuring that being directed by the man who made The Mummy such fun made it worth a look. I’ve no attachment to the geekery associated with the animation series or comic, just wanted some big dumb action. And I got it. Even before the film started, a couple of sweets were shot in my direction by some nearby teens, and were soon joined by a shower of popcorn. I figured I wouldn’t enjoy much more of that, and left.

You could also argue that such is the price of going to see a kids’ movie. Has to be said I’ve had similar experiences in American cinemas, and at a German one where the audience was primarily composed of G.I.s. I’m used to the idea that The Rocky Horror Show is an interactive experience for audiences, but it seems that some American audiences treat every film as if it’s a long lost cousin or dimwitted friend, to be hollered at genially and offered food and drink.

Cinema etiquette seems straightforward enough, so I’m at a loss to know what to do when people behave like asshats in one. I have been known to urge people to shut up, and I’m big and ugly enough that such entreaties have worked and not resulted in confrontation. But there are other things that people can do…I was unsettled to be in a front row screening once when the guy next to me slipped out of his seat to lie on the floor. He was hurting nobody, but at the back of my head was the thought that a man who lies on the ground in a cinema might be capable of anything. And yes, I know that sounds sad and alarmist, but that’s what I thought. He was wearing sandals, for godsake. Who knows what could have happened?